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Communicating
in a Marriage: What's the Big Deal?
By Ralph Jones
"Sure
communicating is important. But what does that mean? We
talk. We hear each other. What else is there?," asks
a puzzled husband. Good question.
The
answer is, "Nothing," except when one or both
of you are upset. When your partner says, "I'm really
worried about all the layoffs at work." Or you're hurt
by something your spouse has said, that's when Communication
with a capital C suddenly becomes important. That's when
ordinary talking and listening usually make matters worse
by creating distance between the two of you, instead of
understanding and help.
So
how do you build communication skills that bring you closer
at times of stress? First, learn to spot when your or your
partner's emotions have been aroused, which should alert
you to the need to ditch your usual responses and shift
into a relationship-protective mode.
Here's
how it works: When your partner is upset or facing a problem,
ditch all attempts to help your partner solve it! No advice,
no good ideas, no questions, no judgments, no reassurance!
Just use two special ways to listen that will help your
partner solve his/her own problem and feel greatly cared
about in the process.
If
you're upset with your partner, ditch all attempts to change
or punish him/her. No criticism, no blame, no issuing orders,
no sarcasm, no yelling! Just give your partner the three
pieces of information s/he needs to willingly make you well,
and, again, use those two special ways to listen.
- Listening
in a Relationship-protective Mode
If your partner says she's worried about layoffs at work,
don't try to solve her problem by saying she's too valuable
to get fired or suggest she start searching the want ads.
Instead signal you're open for listening by asking if she'd
like to talk more about that. Then start by using what we
call "Power Listening Lite": Put a warm look on
your face, keep your mouth shut, give an occasional Mmmm
or Oh, and nod your head a lot while making an honest attempt
to understand what she's saying from her point of view,
not yours. That's called empathy, and it's essential.
After awhile, when you start to get the gist of her thoughts
and feelings, as they come and go, shift to Power Listening,
itself, which is to put some of her thoughts and feelings
into your own words to check if you're really understanding.
If you're right, she'll say yes and resume talking. If you're
wrong, she'll send a clearer version, then resume talking.
This kind of supportive, non-interfering talking (i.e.,
feedback called Power Listening) is the most powerful tool
people can use to solve their own problems.
- Confronting
in a Relationship-protective Mode:
If your partner has hurt your feelings by criticizing your
cooking, don't criticize him back or tell him never to do
it again. Instead give him the three pieces of information
he needs to know: What he did or said that bothered you,
the effect of that on you, and your emotions about those
effects.
For example, "When you tell me you don't like my cooking,
I lose confidence in my cooking ability, and I feel hurt
and criticized."
Notice that you haven't criticized him back or told him
how to fix the situation. You have simply revealed the impact
of his behavior on you, and left it up to him to close the
feeling gap between you. Then, if he feels defensive anyway,
some Power Listening can usually restore things to normal.
- The
Art and Science of Communicating
The ability to respond effectively when emotions are involved,
using Power Listening and non-blameful self-revealing messages
are crucial to protecting your relationship, but unfortunately
are almost unknown in our society. They have been scientifically
proven to enhance relationships, and adapting them to each
situation is definitely a work of art. But while their ingredients
are easy to understand, putting them into practice usually
requires some teaching and coaching, much like acquiring
a skill such as tennis or ice skating. And cost effective
courses are readily available. I urge anyone interested
in having a successful marriage to take advantage of them.
You'll be glad you did.
Copyright
(c) 2004 by Howell-Jones Trainings
About the Author: Ralph Jones, Communication
Expert, is the co-author of World Class Marriage, published
in many countries, and the World Class Marriage™ Workshop
for Couples. He can be reached at HJTrainings@aol.com
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