The
more a man values his children, the less likely he is to
hurt their mother. In the vast majority of cases, the safest
partner relationships are those in which the father feels
emotionally connected to his children.
Successful
treatment for domestic violence offenders must restore the
sense of father as protector, for the well being of women,
children, and society-at-large. Children do not need fathers
to fight and die for them; they need fathers to live for
them, to value them, and to value what they most value
their mothers. A father who truly protects his children
cannot possibly hurt their mother.
Responsible
fatherhood is the single most important factor in the prevention
of domestic violence. It is so important that our treatment
for domestic violence offenders, one of the more successful
in the world, constantly stresses close emotional bonds
with children. The logic is simple. We know from research
that strong bonds with children increase self-value. And
who is more likely to abuse, the valued self or the devalued
self? The more a man values his children, the less likely
he is to hurt their mother. In the vast majority of cases,
the safest partner relationships are those in which the
father feels emotionally connected to his children.
Science
has known for a long time that emotional connection inhibits
violence and that disconnection is a cause of violence.
Violent criminals usually lack what sociologists call a
stake in the community: job, marriage, positive neighborhood
connections, religious affiliation, and satisfying relationships
with children. Serial killers and terrorists never have
close relationships with their children. Historically, armies
wanted soldiers before they married or had children; when
they did have them, they were kept isolated from them. Even
in the other social animals, males connected to the pack
are more cooperative and serve as significant protectors
of the pack, while those driven from it become "rogue"
predators.
The
steep rise in domestic violence since the 1960s directly
parallels the diminishment of fatherhood in America. When
fathers are marginalized as protectors of their families,
they are more likely to struggle for power and control over
their wives or girlfriends. They compensate for loss of
the capacity to protect with dominance.
Successful
treatment for domestic violence offenders must restore the
sense of father as protector, for the well being of women,
children, and society-at-large. Children do not need fathers
to fight and die for them; they need fathers to live for
them, to value them, and to value what they most value
their mothers. A father who truly protects his children
cannot possibly hurt their mother.
Our
experience with nearly 4,000 court-ordered clients suggests
that when fathers are more involved in the lives of their
children, they are unlikely to hurt any woman. While still
developing our intervention for domestic violence, we took
a group of young men (mean age 22), all of whom had at least
two children from previous relationships and who were court-ordered
for abuse of their current partners. (At that time, there
was only one agency offering domestic violence services,
and they had a long waiting list.) As is too often the case
with young fathers, none of these guys had a relationship
with his children. We gave them a brief course called Compassionate
Parenting, which raised their awareness of the emotional
worlds of their children, particularly their need to have
fathers who cared about them and looked out for them. Without
direct intervention for domestic violence, these young men
got more involved in the lives of their children and completely
stopped abuse of their current partners. (The normal recidivism
rate for unmarried men of this age group was over 60 percent,
after domestic violence intervention.) Compassionate Parenting
is now a crucial part of our domestic violence programs.
The
instinct to protect children was (and is) necessary to the
survival of the human species. (Our offspring are helpless
much longer than those of any other animal.) The drive to
protect is so deeply embedded in our emotional system that
we cannot feel good about ourselves if we fail to protect
our children. But when we protect them, we cannot feel bad
about ourselves in
the long run, no matter how we may fail in other areas of
life.
_______________________
Bio: Steven Stosny, Ph.D. is an author and
therapist. Having grown up in a violent home, with little
emotional connection to his father, he developed the Compassion
Workshop and Changing Abusers, used all over the world as
interventions for domestic violence. His Love without Hurt
is designed as an add-on to other educational programs.
It develops the skills necessary to prevent abuse and domestic
violence, without using those loaded words that tend to
scare off. www.compassionpower.com
