• The Socialization of Men

It's a cruel game we play with our boys. We say to them: "Be brave"… "Don't cry"… "Take it like a man"… We teach our boys to ignore, minimize, disregard and to overcome feelings of weakness. We teach them to be strong and not flinch in the face of danger. We teach them not to have certain "unmanly" feelings. Then, twenty-five years later, we marry one of them and we say to him: "Talk to me… Tell me your feelings… I want to be close to you..."

We wonder why it's hard for this lovely man to open up and share his feelings with the person he most loves. We complain that "this man doesn't know a feeling from a barn door." Small wonder!

Most men are not rewarded as children for being sensitive and for sharing their feelings. They are bred for bravery, as it were, for not being in touch with their feelings, for denying this part of themselves.

Moreover, adult men continue to be reinforced for being strong and capable, for keeping a steady hand on the tiller, for being able to "overcome their feelings." This is the culture of the workplace where men thrive. As Warren Farrell puts it in Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say (see references), a man receives his pay by becoming a "human doing," not a human being.

To compound matters, many women still look to men to take care of them-as human doings who retain the Neanderthal ability to be successful killer-protectors. Like women, who are often weighed as potential partners on the basis of their physical beauty, men are often considered attractive for their professional accomplishments: The beauty queen and the millionaire. Neither standard does much to encourage the humanity of the people involved.

The societal pressure to be successfully strong is very powerful and it exerts a subtle, persistent pressure on boys/men to disown certain "troublesome" aspects of their internal experience. The tragedy of this is that when you deny parts of yourself, as millions of boys around the world are taught to do, these parts eventually become unavailable. Anything that is "stuffed down" and not allowed to be experienced, becomes either denied or repressed. The unfortunate by-product of years of denial and repression is that this eventually walls off important emotional components of your self, making them hard, if not impossible to access. A man who has always believed it was unacceptable to show his "weaker" side-feelings of fear, aloneness, uncertainty-eventually won't have any sense of having these feelings. When asked if he's worried or upset about something, he's likely to answer: "Not particularly."

He's not lying. He's not minimizing. He simply doesn't feel this feeling. He's been taught that those kinds of feelings aren't acceptable for him to have and he's been thoroughly enough socialized that he believes he no longer has these troubling feelings. Nothing seems to bother him. He can even go into battle without showing his fear. This is what we have traditionally asked of our men and our men learn to do it.

To ask this man to "share" is to cause frustration for both of you.

Oh, yes, it may be inside him somewhere, but it will not be easy for him to get access to it, and it may be impossible, short of intensive therapy.

• The Problems of Denial

The scenario gets even worse: When human beings use denial as a way to deal with troublesome feelings, this primitive coping mechanism has the unsettling habit of blocking out other feelings as well. Thus, when we deny our feelings of fear, for example, it's likely to cause us to have difficulty experiencing joy as well. Denial is a non-specific coping mechanism. Thus, use of it with troublesome emotions cuts down on a person's capacity to experience pleasant ones. These people have less difficult lows but less wonderful highs-the roller coaster of life has fewer chills and fewer thrills, a flatter ride.

Michael and Patricia often go hiking and camping together. Patricia talks excitedly about every adventure-the beauty of the countryside, the animals, flowers, birds that they see. Michael focuses his attention on making sure that all the camping gear is packed properly and that nothing is forgotten.

Megan and Frank have just bought their new home. Megan is excited about painting and decorating their bedroom. Frank just wants to make sure they have enough money to pay the bills.

When Nathan's father died, he looked upset but never talked about it. His only comment was "What can you expect; he had a heart attack."

It's a terrible price that many men have to pay for not being allowed access to their full range of emotions as a child. Not to be allowed to feel scared or cry or exhibit other "non-manly" emotions teaches boys to become stoic, non-feeling, unresponsive men. Strong warriors, to be sure, but these strong warriors aren't likely to be able to deliver the emotional intimacy that their wives want.

Colin works for a difficult boss. Although Colin makes many important contributions, his boss largely ignores them, and his heavy-handed criticisms are often hard to bear. Although he stoically minimizes these feelings when he reaches home, his wife, Jean, senses his pain, but hasn't the skills to help him fully experience it. Colin, well trained as a "human doing", greets her anguish by justifying his boss's actions and minimizing their effects on him. This distresses Jean even more-wishing that Colin would recognize how badly he is treated and speak up to his boss about it or change jobs.

Dick and Katherine have been together for four years. Dick seldom expresses his feelings about anything and it bothers Katherine that he never says he loves her except when he's had a few drinks. Then the feelings come out and Katherine hears again how important she is to Dick. She wishes he would say this to her when he hasn't had any liquor.

Warren's an accountant, at home with computers and ledger sheets, and less fluent in the language of feelings. His children make a big point of mentioning it whenever they discover him wiping away a tear after seeing a movie. "Look at Dad! He's crying" they announce. Warren endures this little humiliation and does his best to remove the traces of the momentary weakness and restore his normal composure.

It is obvious from these examples that the manly-man complex we instill in our males damages their emotional ability to react in ways that further many of their own best interests. It limits their experiences of some aspects of life and it can frustrate the people in their lives who wish to have an intimate, caring relationship with them.

• The Complexity of our Expectations for Men

Part of the problem is that we train boys not to experience their "softer" emotions and this is further reinforced for them in the workplace as adults. Added to that is the yin-yang of marriage partners wanting their men both to be successful human doings and at the same time, capable of emotional intimacy. The final component of the profound double bind handed to men is an outgrowth of the women's movement which seems now to demand that men be fully involved in homemaking and child rearing, sensitive to women's needs for satisfying work, emotionally labile and sexually satisfying, while still being strong and successful in their careers.

A great deal is asked of today's man and very little is done to help him succeed at this new paradigm of manhood. Bred to succeed according to the old standards, how are men going to develop the capacity to succeed in this emotionally complex new world?

• Providing the Conditions for Growth

Society today is asking men to grow. How can this be accomplished? The research literature provides a clear perspective on the conditions that create the capacity to grow. They are our old friends Empathy, Acceptance, and Genuineness (or Congruence.) We know that professional therapists who provide these conditions to their clients are successful in supporting the characterological change that helps their clients develop the capacity to deal more successfully with their problems. Moreover, research evidence clearly shows that these three characteristics are the most important factors in helping clients deal with their problems-more important than any other variable in the counselor-client relationship.

Why should any marriage partner offer less than this to the person they love?

Men, like all human creatures, need empathy and acceptance and thrive best in authentic, congruent relationships. A marriage-or any close emotional partnership-should be founded upon and infused with these three powerful conditions. When these conditions are freely and continually available to both partners in the relationship, it creates a climate wherein both partners can feel emotionally safe.

Out of safety comes growth. Out of growth can come the capacity to experience and express deeper emotions. Out of this is created emotional intimacy and profound feelings of closeness. For men and others with limited emotional lability, this can be the slow-but-steady path out of emotional rigidity and impotence.

The need for this warm, helpful scenario to be actualized is very widespread. Many relationships start with emotionally unavailable men pairing up with women having but rudimentary skills in expressing empathy, acceptance and genuineness. Unfortunately the reverse is also common, with emotionally unavailable women pairing up with unskilled men.

• Creating Change in Your Relationship

How do you develop the capacity to provide these three powerful conditions in your love relationship?

You start with the stated intention to follow this path and an agreement together to work on your capacities to provide these conditions (a Shared Goal). Then you establish a plan to learn the skills of Empathic Listening (which provides Empathy and Acceptance) and I-Language (which provides Genuineness). You work together to master these skills, recognizing that it will take time and effort to become proficient in them. You encourage each other to talk and share regularly, so that you each have the chance to practice listening skills and you encourage each other to confront with I-Language and to work out conflicts so that both of you get your needs met. You set up a climate of growth, of sharing, of developing together-a safe atmosphere the two of you create which will enable both of you to become people who can provide the conditions which foster personal and relationship growth.

As part of your work on Empathic Listening, focus on becoming aware of and feeding back your understanding of each other's non-verbal behavior as well as the words. Pay attention to the subtle cues you have available-shifts in facial expression, body language, tone of voice. Partners can readily learn to observe and understand each other's non-verbal cues. Long ago I noticed that Ralph always sniffs when he's mad-I can tell it even before he says anything. When he's really upset, it's two sniffs. Other partners report: "Craig's jaw muscle twitches when he's upset." "Just the way Maria walked into the room, I knew something was wrong." "If he isn't talking, something big is going on."

Gently Power Listen the non-verbal cues you observe ("Looks like you're upset, Craig"), then perhaps gently offer a door opener: ("Do you want to talk about it?") Look serious, interested, safe to talk to. Intend to be safe to talk to. Intend to listen and do everything necessary to restrain yourself from offering your advice or any other comment or question that could in any way divert his conversational direction from where he wants to go. Give your partner a real opportunity to share with you. Do your part to enable this to happen-learn how to use these beneficial skills.

Albert is married to a much younger woman. Although his health has always been excellent, he is afraid his advancing age will bring sickness and debilitation. He doesn't feel he has the right to marry a younger woman and then get sick, and is afraid that any signs of illness would be profoundly upsetting to his wife. He has lately experienced some chest pains and is afraid to tell his wife about them, so he swallows his concern.

Damon hasn't been happy for the past three years and knows this has to do with his job. He feels he's trapped in a dead-end situation but doesn't know what to do. He doesn't even know what he's looking for and is afraid to consider alternatives because of the impact on his family for whom he's the primary means of financial support. He's depressed and worried about his future.

If you are the partners of these men, you must be willing to help them down from their pedestals as strong, stoic supermen. Let go of any explicit or implicit demand that they remain human doings. If you want to develop emotional intimacy with this troubled partner-and everyone's partner is troubled sometimes-you must make peace with the fact that this seeming tower of strength also can suffer from fear, weakness, hurt, regret, and sadness. To the extent that you can reconcile yourself to and accept these feelings in your partner, you create safety for him to experience and express these feelings to you. This opens the door to true growth.

Over time, with a shared commitment between partners and focused attention on skill building, wonderful things can happen. Your comfort level and skills develop so that you become a capable listener and your partner becomes more comfortable sharing his personal concerns; your partner may become more attuned to his emotions through your use of Power Listening linking his non-verbal behaviors with verbal expressions of emotion; your partner may gain greater access to his emotions from long-term exposure to this safe emotional environment; your partner may experience the opportunity to become more authentically and more deeply himself.

Do not underestimate the importance of feeding back empathically and acceptingly the non-verbal messages of people who aren't strong verbal communicators. There are two strong reasons for doing this: 1) Most communication is non-verbal (about 93%) so this is a rich collection of signals not to be overlooked; 2) Everybody is always communicating all the time. For example, silence itself sends a message which people unconsciously recognize and interpret without in many cases actually thinking of it as communication. Silence can mean, I'm upset, but afraid to express it… I'm busy with my thoughts, which are important to me… I'm too tired to talk… I feel overwhelmed by everything and don't want to think about it any more… I'm working on something and don't want to be disturbed… If you empathically reflect your best guess back, you can get feedback on the accuracy of your decoding of the non-verbal message, and you may start a more verbal communication on its way.

To overlook non-verbal communication and complain "My husband never communicates with me!" is to miss a chance to make it safer for your partner to talk to you more and to reduce your own frustration and criticalness-a valuable contribution to growth and emotional closeness.

• Emotionally-Safe Confrontation

While Power Listening communicates Empathy and Acceptance, it is not always possible to provide these supportive conditions because there are times when you don't feel empathic and accepting. When your partner does things that are upsetting to you and which give you a problem, it becomes necessary to confront, and while many people fear confrontation, it is an opportunity to provide the third growth-supportive condition: Genuineness.

As we have talked about earlier, confrontation is best accomplished through the use of I-Language, in which you non-blamefully express to your partner how it is his/her behavior impacts you. The importance of non-blameful confrontation is underscored by John Gottman's research (see references, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) which has identified the profound damage done to relationships from confrontations that have a "harsh start." Gottman identifies as a harsh start any discussion that leads off with criticism and/or sarcasm (a form of contempt). His research shows that harsh starts are one of the key predictors of divorce-and closely related to others including Defensiveness, Stonewalling, Flooding, certain physiological reactions, and rejected attempts at repairing damage. Harsh starts are the critical beginning of a cascade triggering many of these other divorce predictors.

A common scenario goes like this: The wife, who in many relationships is the one to most often identify a problem and bring it up, confronts her husband with a harsh, critical start. The husband feels defensive and reacts with elevated blood pressure and hormonal changes including the secretion of adrenaline which kicks in the "fight or flight" response. This is the physiological response known as Flooding. As a means of handling the flooding-the sense of overwhelm-the male withdraws emotionally and refuses to deal with the problem. This is the tactic known as Stonewalling. The wife responds to the Stonewalling by complaining further about his emotional withdrawal, adding perhaps some contempt to the combustive mix, further reinforcing her partner's need for emotional isolation, further exaxperating the wife. … He's impossible to deal with!… She's impossible to deal with!… What's the use of even trying!!!… The merry-go-round of marriage becomes decreasingly merry and the relationship may soon be in serious trouble.

Supporting research by Robert Levenson and Loren Carter at the University of California at Berkeley found that when male subjects are stressed, their hearts actually beat faster than females' and they stay accelerated for a longer period of time. Dolf Zillman, a psychologist at the University of Alabama, found that when male subjects are treated rudely and then told to relax, their blood pressure surges and stays elevated until they get to retaliate. In contrast, women experiencing similar situations can generally calm down over a period of twenty minutes. These studies both indicate that marital confrontation-especially those characterized by harsh starts-takes a greater physiological toll on the male, setting him up either to be temporarily disabled or requiring some kind of retaliation in order to get emotional release. Therefore, it comes as no surprise that a male should wish to avoid difficult confrontations whenever possible, and it behooves his partner to avoid harsh starts on each and every occasion if she wishes to keep her partner engaged in the discussion and responsive to her concerns.

Giving up damaging communication patterns such as harsh, blameful confrontation takes real work. Confrontational style becomes a habit just as any other, and habits are notoriously hard to break. The process of self-monitoring is tricky; it's easy to think you're not as blameful and critical sounding as your partner reports you to be. To defuse your blamefulness, it helps to remind yourself continually that your intention is not to hurt or blame your partner; your intention is to communicate genuinely about yourself-to reveal yourself in an open and vulnerable way, in order to increase the likelihood of getting your needs met.

For the man, it also takes work to stay in the process and not become overwhelmed when confronted. However painful it feels to be flooded, it's a familiar reaction that takes a calm discipline to overcome. If your partner has committed to decreasing the harshness of her confrontation, your part will be to remind yourself of your partner's acknowledged intent to change and somehow gather the perspicacity to notice that your partner may not this time actually be blaming and criticizing you as she has in the past and as you fear she may be about to again.

• Making Progress Together

If you want the benefits of your "non-communicative" male partner's communication, it is important to (a) resist sending any message which block his sharing; (b) become skilled at deciphering and feeding back your partner's verbal and non-verbal messages; and c) extract harshness, blame, and criticism from your words, tone of voice, and from your intention. This takes honing both your listening and confrontation skills. A spouse eager for emotional intimacy must do her part by learning how to provide the conditions that foster her partner's willingness and capacity to share more intimately. This is not easy for the female, nor is it for the male.

Men are being asked to evolve in their capacities to share feelings and to engage in emotionally intimate relationships. For a "human doing" man, this involves a profoundly scary risk; uncovering, then acknowledging to himself, and then to his partner, feelings he has been taught since childhood to hide and ignore on pain of ridicule and scorn. To do this, he must take the risk that despite previous learnings, it may this time-with this loving and caring partner-in fact be safe. This involves his looking the tiger in the eye and walking toward it. Reclaiming, owning, sharing, and dealing with long banished emotions will take courage and the will to overcome a lot of old, internal signals.

Yet, men, this is what your partner is asking of you. This is intimacy. This is sharing. And this is the emotional fiber that binds a relationship. Your partner asks this of you, and society now values the man who can be successful at home as well as at work. The manly-man, back-to-the jungle conditioning males receive is so powerful it is as if they are being asked both to mutate their own genes and go against all previous learnings about safety and danger. But the jungle and the cave man are no longer appropriate models, and men deserve to experience and be supported for the full range of their emotional lives and to know the intimacy that sharing that full range can bring.
For our men to evolve their capacities to share intimately, their partners must evolve also-into empathic, non-judgmental listeners, and non-blameful, emotionally-vulnerable confronters. Women must provide their half of the equation if they ask men to expose their deepest selves. Women must make it safe for men to talk, and that includes not demanding that they do so. And both must accept that it is a process that will take time.

Marriage and emotional partnerships are about growth. For men to become full emotional partners despite the early conditioning our culture deals them, both parties must be willing to develop their potentialities as human beings and to share these with their partner. The amazing by-product of this challenge to grow in your capacity to create and share emotional intimacy is that it can actually expand your mental capacities! Research studies are increasingly showing that mental challenge builds brain structure, and that enhanced mental capacities are an important hedge against the ravages that occur as we age. So, an additional payoff for the struggle you engage in to change damaging habits and develop new ones will be its benefits for your mental capacities in general! This is most certainly a bonus that keeps on giving!

Few of us, not only men, are fortunate enough to enter into our love relationship with all the communication skills we need and easy comfort in sharing our deepest feelings. For most of us, these are important areas in which we need to grow. Learning how to provide your partner with a climate wherein growth can take place, and taking the risk to share intimately within this climate, are essential building blocks of the relationship. Working on this together can produce profound growth, not only for the man, but also for his partner, and for the amount of satisfaction you experience in your relationship together.
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Excerpt from World Class Marriage, by Patty Howell & Ralph Jones.

About the Authors: Patty Howell and Ralph Jones, Relationship Experts, are authors of World Class Marriage, published in many countries, and the research-based World Class Marriage™ Workshop for Couples. They can be reached at www.worldclassmarriage.com

Copyright (c) 2001-2004 by Howell-Jones Trainings