The Impact of Parent's Divorce
Isabella writes:

Do children of divorced families have a chance of having their own successful marriages?? Or will they later on have broken marriages as well and so will their children? I really am hoping that you can provide the answers to my questions. Any help that you can give would be very helpful. Thanks!

Patty responds:

Your concerns about whether children of divorce can have successful marriages are well founded. There is ample evidence of the impact of divorce on children, and the negative ways it can affect their present and future social relationships-in addition to their academic achievement and health.

Of course, none of this is inevitable. The research simply indicates that children of divorce are, all other factors being equal, more likely to have these kinds of problems than are children of happy marriages. Individual differences vary greatly, whether you come from divorced parents or not.

In the matter of marriage, evidence overwhelmingly shows that marriage is not a game of chance-in which you must be "lucky" to find the right partner. Rather, the evidence shows that marital success is based upon learning relationship skills. Couples who learn the skills that make a relationship work are much more likely to be the ones who have a successful marriage. Unfortunately, most couples in our society don't yet realize the huge benefits of taking a pro-active attitude about learning the skills of a successful relationship. This accounts, to a very great extent, for the intolerable 50% divorce rate we have in our country today.

Ralph and I wrote World Class Marriage to give couples the skills they need for success in their relationship. Both the book and our World Class Marriage™ Workshop are highly praised by couples, so I strongly recommend them to you.

Moreover, I recommend that you read many books on marriage and take as many seminars and courses as possible. Everyone should do this on a regular basis. I know how much Ralph and I benefited from these kinds of experiences, in addition to our professional experiences as trainers of relationship skills.

So my recommendation to you, and to anyone who wants a successful marriage is: learn everything you can about how to create a successful relationship; work on your own issues; and grow, grow, grow as a person! These are the ingredients that make the difference in people's lives, whether their parents were happily married or not. And in your case, besides all the things you will learn that benefit your marriage, you will also gain confidence in your capacity for success, which will be of great comfort and value to you as well!

BACK TO TOP
_______________

When It's Really Over…
Laura writes:

I have been married for 4 years and this marriage is over. I was (previously) married for 28 yrs. to a very controlling man who abused me mentally. I have trust issues and my (current) husband is a very private person. I had become verbally abusive to my husband and I did not know why until I sought help and found out I was doing to him what had been done to me in my first marriage. For my health I have left my husband and now I need him to understand that this marriage is over. I admitted I married him to prove to myself that I could love but in fact I can't right now. I know I need more help to get strong. All we do is argue and this is causing me health problems. How do I get him to understand where I am coming from? I'm afraid that if he doesn't leave me alone someone is going to be hurt. He needs to make a life without me. PLEASE HELP.

Patty responds:

First of all, I hear the stress that you are going through regarding your relationship with your husband and the frustration you feel about not being able to get through to him about your feelings.

If sounds to me that you have come to realize that the 28 years you spent with your first husband left you with a great deal of emotional volatility, along with a desire to prove you are capable of loving, and this latter factor caused you to form a too-hasty union with your current husband, which has resulted now in various problems. And, that you feel the need to end the second marriage and give yourself the chance to stabilize yourself.

Obviously, your personal issues are paramount in your mind at present and my sense is that your husband has no real idea of how impossible the marriage seems to you at this point. And it may not be possible for him to ever fully understand things from your perspective. Nevertheless, in an effort to shed some light on these matters for him, to prevent his self-esteem from suffering unnecessarily, and enable you to make as clean a break as possible, here are some key points for you to make that I believe will be helpful to the conversation:

1) I feel overwhelmed by my personal problems and have come to the conclusion that I must end our relationship in order to deal with them.
2) I realize now that I should not have married anyone before I had sorted out the complex baggage from my first marriage.
3) I regret that I have caused you so much pain at not being able to be the kind of wife you wanted and needed, and which I had hoped to be able to be.
4) I regret that I have been verbally abusive to you and want you to know that this was due to my inability to handle my feelings well, and does not reflect on who you are as a human being.
5) This verbal abusiveness has caused me to realize my capacity for physical abusiveness which is an important reason why I feel I must stop things before they get out of hand. I share this with you now so that you can see the extent of my concern about my personal problems.
6) I deeply regret the pain I have caused you.
7) My decision to end this relationship has to do with my own problems rather than failings on your part.
8) This decision has been made soberly and after much consideration.
9) I wish you all the best for your life.

Laura, I hope these points will be helpful to you. I wish you all the best in the important process of shedding damage from your first relationship and with your quest to be the person you wish to be.

BACK TO TOP
_____________

When She's About to Move Out
Jose writes:

I love my wife and four boys more than anything in life and my life is not complete without them. We have had some problems like every couple. But at this time my wife is going to move in with my in-laws, along with my four boys. Please advise me on how to cope with this type of separation. I do feel that maybe this could be good for us but my heart is feeling empty and my worst fear is that I don't want to lose my wife. She means the world to me and I do realize that I have done some things wrong in the past but I am on the right track to correct these things. Thank you for your time.

Patty responds::

I clearly hear the pain you are feeling about your wife leaving you and moving in with her family, and taking your four boys with her. This sounds like a wrenching development that leaves open an even more painful possibility of permanent loss. I am sorry for this pain you are dealing with.

Obviously, your wife is also in pain as well, and you have indicated that you have done some things in the past which have hurt her and it seems apparent that her decision to move to her family home is an attempt to seek refuge and gain some perspective on her feelings about the relationship with you. This is probably a good plan for her, although one that is disturbing to you.

Whenever you do something that hurts another person deeply, in this case-your wife, even if you have apologized sincerely and made corrective changes in your behavior, it is important to recognize that the other person will need some time to deal with her pain and come to terms with her feelings about you-and about whether she is willing to trust you again. The time needed for this is unpredictable, and you must recognize that it is a process, and that she must take whatever time it takes to see her way through it all successfully.

I recommend that you stay in touch with her during this process, but only occasionally, and make sure that whatever contact you have with her respects the complexity of her feelings and need for time alone. And, do not press her for a decision or a premature reunion. Respect her need for time and make it clear that you honor that. Let her know that you are deeply sorry, that she means the world to you, that you want her back, and that you are committed to making the relationship work. Meanwhile, make sure you have cleaned up your act and no longer do whatever it was in the past that caused damage to the relationship! And beyond that, let her know that you will give her whatever time it takes to deal with her hurt and with her trust issues in regard to you. And that the door will be wide open for her if and when she decides to return.

If this sounds like you are not in the driver's seat, this is true. You cannot control anyone else's feelings, and you cannot control anyone else's thought processes. This prolonged period of helplessness will no doubt be difficult for you. She may decide to return to you or she may decide not to, and it will probably be very hard to accept that your fate is in her hands.

But do what you can to handle the discomfort of being out of control here. Lack of control is a difficult feeling for many people to handle, but it's important to get as comfortable with it as possible at a time such as this. Just keep in light touch with her, as I mentioned above, without putting pressure on her in any way. This will give you the best chance of things working out successfully.

And if she comes back, as I hope she will, make sure that the changes you make in your behavior are ones that will strengthen the relationship in the future. And, definitely, take the World Class Marriage™ workshop together, if you can, as well as other marriage workshops, and dig into a large number of marriage books, both separately and together, so that you dramatically increase your understanding of how to make your relationship succeed. I wish you much success!

BACK TO TOP
_______________

When It's Not Clear There's Much of a Relationship
Regan writes:

I have a boyfriend 40 years old. Works in a photo department approximately 36-40 hours per week, cycles, works out in the gym 3x a week for about 2-3 hours each time. I only see him maybe 1 or 2 times a month. When he gets here he is tired, sometimes falling asleep on the couch. No attempt to have sex in the evening. Can you give me your opinion? What could the problem be?

Patty responds:

You asked what the problem is and in my opinion you don't have much of a relationship with your boyfriend. It's true that you don't see him very often, and it's also true that when he arrives he's often tired and you don't have much contact, either physical or otherwise. But, for me, the most troublesome sign is that you don't seem to have much idea of what's going on with him. When relationships are strong, there is a lot of sharing, a lot of intimate communication, so that each of you knows what is going on in each other's emotional lives. In this case, it seems clear that you and your boyfriend don't have much emotional interchange-not much sharing of importance. What you have now mostly consists of your waiting for the 1-2 times a month when you get to watch him sleep on your couch.

You can try to develop more communication together. Ask him open ended questions (not the ones that can be answered by "yes" or "no"), and really listen without interruption to his responses-hear what he is saying, both the content (subject matter) and the emotions. This may encourage him to open up and share more with you. You could also try opening up to him and telling him that you'd like more from your relationship together, and being specific about what you would like.

On the other hand, it seems possible that there isn't really much "juice" going on in your relationship anymore and it may have run its course. If you want to try to revive it, the best route is through the process of communicating and listening-sharing intimately with each other. If this doesn't work, then it may be time to face that you don't have much going together. In either case, I wish you the best.

BACK TO TOP
_________________

When the Past Interferes with the Present
Doris writes:

Jeff's ex lives in town with her roommate and the roommate's daughter that made them break up. Roommate calls, asks Jeff to dinner at their house. Jeff says: "Sorry not tonight." I have major problems with this. I think his statement means "Another night perhaps." I tell Jeff my feelings and Jeff tells me that he misses the roommate's little daughter. I say I understand but that the little girl (2 years old) last time he saw her didn't even recognize him and it wasn't fair to walk in and out of her life. I also tell Jeff it is his ex's and roommate's way of manipulating him again. Jeff says "no way". I say I can't live under these conditions of Jeff wanting two families. Jeff says NOTHING! We live together with my daughter.

Ralph responds:

I believe you have understood the dynamics pretty well-that Jeff has some left over feelings for the roommate's daughter and possibly the roommate, and/or the ex-wife as well, and that the invitation was intended to exploit those feelings to some extent. And that those dynamics are threatening to your relationship with Jeff. How threatening depends on the relative strength of Jeff's feelings for the past he shared with them and the present and future he wishes with you.

Since you can't really control the ex or her roommate or Jeff's feelings, your best bet is to be completely honest and clear with Jeff about the effect of all this on you, including your feelings, and allow Jeff to take that information into account and discover where his future really lies.

I would say to him, in your own words, something along the lines of this: "Jeff, no matter what you say about being only interested in the daughter, I am terribly afraid that you have lingering feelings for the mother or your ex, and your desire to see them terrifies me… I love you very much and want us to stay together, and I'm afraid of losing you to them."

Then you will need to listen very sensitively to whatever he says and do your best to make it safe for him to talk about and explore his true feelings. The point is to make sure he knows your feelings and avoid trying to change him or criticize the other women. He needs to do some soul searching and make a decision, and the less pressure you put on him to change, the safer it will be for him to let go of the past and embrace a future with you.

To do this, you will have to have the courage to realize that in life there are no guarantees. If he knows your heart and is free to choose, his choice will be the best for you in the long run.

Patty responds:

I'm sure if you had your preference, Jeff wouldn't even consider having anything to do with his ex and her roommate's daughter! That would make things much easier for you and I can understand why you'd strongly prefer that. I can also understand why it's threatening to you to have Jeff act like he might consider going over to their place for dinner.

Nevertheless, if you impose your solution on Jeff, telling him not to see them, it's guaranteed to backfire for you. You can't really get what you want in a relationship by insisting on it-using your power. That just creates resentment and rebellion and makes it likely that you'll end up holding the short end of the stick. In a personal relationship, it doesn't work.

To increase the likelihood of success with Jeff in this situation, you want to be able to influence his behavior. Influence is different than power. To have influence, you must show your vulnerability, which is just the opposite of what you probably feel like doing, but it's an important component of intimacy. Instead of saying: "I don't want you to see them" (using your power), instead, reveal to Jeff what's really going on in you: "When you act like you're open to the possibility of seeing them sometime, I feel really scared and afraid of what might happen."

He'll probably respond by saying something like; "Oh, don't worry, nothing's going to happen." Try to hear this and feed it back to him, saying something like: "So you want me to know that you don't intend to do anything that would threaten our relationship." He'll probably say, "Yah, right!" Then you can send your message again, working real hard to let your vulnerability show: "Jeff, I hear what you're saying but I just want you to know that the idea of it really gives me the shakes. It's really difficult for me to deal with the idea of your seeing her again, even to have dinner."

The goal here is to show your humanity-to reveal honestly what's going on with you, without trying to force Jeff's behavior. And, secondarily, your goal is to really hear Jeff's response to you and to create an authentic dialogue together-an open, honest, exchange between the two of you about the kind of problems that human beings have in relationships together.

The key to doing it successfully is to stay centered within yourself and communicate from there, and then to listen with open ears to what Jeff is trying to get you to hear, in an earnest attempt to make contact with the humanity of each other. If you both communicate from your heart and listen with open ears, you may find a way to approach the problem that will work for both of you. My best wishes for your success!

BACK TO TOP
________________

"When Your Biological Clock is Ticking but the Relationship Is Stalled"
Jayne writes:

My boyfriend and I have been dating 2 ½ years. We live together and consider ourselves family. Every time the marriage question comes up, he gets very angry and changes the subject. His mom has been married and divorced 3 times, and his family often blames his fears on this. He also has some mental health issues that he has stopped taking medicine for, so this adds to his temper. When we talk about it, he says I'm pushing him and that we're so much closer than many married people. We have this special bond, and that I agree with-but I'm 25 and I can't wait forever to start a family. Any idea what I should do?

Patty responds:

I hear your frustration about your boyfriend's unwillingness to get married while your biological clock ticks relentless away. It's a frustrating and difficult situation.

There are two parts to the problem, as I see it: 1) What you could say and do that might increase the likelihood of your boyfriend being willing to marry you; 2) Whether or not it is a good idea for you and your boyfriend to get married. The second question is worth considering because there are some factors which make me question whether your boyfriend is a good potential husband-namely his apparently damaged attitude about marriage because of his mother's three bad experiences with marriage, and, most especially, his mental health issues, temper, and unwillingness to take the prescribed medication. Nevertheless, since my expertise lies with interpersonal communication, I will suggest that if you wish to consider the second group of factors, it would be advisable to see a counselor or therapist.

I will focus on what you can do or say that might increase the possibility of getting married. I assume from what you said that you have already mentioned this subject enough so that your boyfriend knows that you want the two of you to get married and that one of the main reasons for this is that you want to start a family together. In fact, this may already be a subject that he is somewhat tired of hearing you bring up.

My advice is that you bring it up one more time for the final time. I suggest that you find a time when it looks like a good time to talk and say this to him: "I would like to talk with you about something that is important to me. Is this a good time for you to talk?" If he says "no", ask when he would be willing to talk and make a plan for doing that. If he says "yes", you may begin.

Start by telling him that the subject you would like to talk about is getting married. Tell him that you know you have mentioned this before and that he has been resistant, and that you want to talk about it today with him and that this will be the final time you ever intend to bring it up. Tell him that you want to make sure that he knows your thoughts and feelings and wishes in that regard, and that you understand his, and that after the end of today's talk, you promise that you will never bring the subject up again.

AND, you MUST keep your word not to bring the subject up ever again. In a talk of this type, you are asking for the opportunity to share, and once you have completed that mission, you then will KNOW that your partner knows your thoughts and feelings. Therefore, if you bring the subject up again, you become a nag, a broken record, and this is completely counter productive.

Also, tell your boyfriend that it would be very helpful to you in this process if he'd be willing to listen to you without saying anything. Ask him not to argue or disagree-or even to agree with you! Tell him you just want the chance to share yourself with him on this subject that is important to you.

With that assurance given, tell your boyfriend honestly and openly why it matters so much to you that the two of you get married. You must examine your own feelings very closely in preparation for this so that you can really share why it means so much to you. This is your chance to reveal what's going on in you-why you really want to get married-what that means to you-why you care so much about that-what you are looking for in the relationship together. Share all of this openly and honestly. Really make sure you say what you want to say. This is truly self-revelation-you want to reveal your genuine self to your boyfriend so that he will know what is going on in you in regard to the idea of getting married.

After you've said everything you want to say, stop and switch roles. Give your boyfriend the chance to respond honestly to you without interrupting him. Don't argue, disagree, agree, plead-just listen! Get his message. Get his feelings. Get the situation as he experiences it from his perspective. See the world through his eyes.

If you can, try to feed back to him what you hear him saying. If that seems too difficult, just listen passively and make sure you understand his perspective.

Then, after he has completely finished talking, end the discussion by saying something like this: "Well, I feel good that I've had the chance to tell you how I feel about this and I'm glad to have heard how you feel. I hope that somehow we will be able to find a way to resolve this together. Meanwhile, I want to repeat my promise that I will not bring this subject up again or nag you about it in any way."

END OF DISCUSSION. At that point, everything will be out on the table. He knows how you feel and you know how he feels. Now you must give your boyfriend the chance to think things over. This may take a while-and it's hard to say how long. Meanwhile, you simply must not bring this subject up again. You know he knows how you feel so he's got the information and he must be left in peace to cogitate about it. If you bug him, that will impede the process.

Meanwhile, if time goes by and nothing happens-if no progress is made toward marriage and you find the situation becomes intolerable, then you must end the relationship. You may decide to do this at any point-quickly, or you may be willing to give him several months, or even years. It's up to you and it depends upon how you view the situation and the likelihood of getting your needs met with him and how long you're willing to wait.

If you become tempted to nag him at any point, remember that if you coerce him to marry you, you won't really have what you're looking for in a marriage. What you're looking for is someone who truly wants to marry you and to start a family together. You don't want a horse that's been drawn to the water and is unwilling to drink.

This isn't an easy situation for you, I know. But once you've had the chance to tell your boyfriend your feelings and listen to his, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that all the cards are on the table. Then it is a question of finding out whether this person that you have invested 2 ½ years with is able to step up to the table and be the husband you are hoping for.

I wish I could assure you that everything will work out fine, but it's impossible for me to predict. Meanwhile, I wish you all the best and hope that what I've said will be helpful to you.

BACK TO TOP

__________________

"Confronting in a Tricky Situation"
Marie writes:

My husband (of 24 yrs.) and I do not communicate well. I will give you an example:

We have a cleaning lady who comes once every other week. My husband found her and made all the arrangements. He picks her up at the subway before he goes to work, he leaves the money for her and she leaves on her own. Both my husband and I work, and our son is at camp so there is no one home during the day. I recently recommended her to a friend of mine. On Saurday I found out that she was at my friend's house after only 2 hours at my house (she is being paid for 5 hrs.). When I found out, I told my husband that he should fire her, as she is ripping us off. This started a huge argument. My husband felt that she just needed to be talked to. I asked how she could be trusted, since neither one of us can stay home to verify. He said that at least she doesn't steal "things". Then he tells me that even so, we once paid $60 to someone to clean that house, so $50 isn't so bad. I said that either the arrangement was to clean the house for a flat fee, or it was per hour. He couldn't even be sure exactly which way she understood what he had originally told her. He had told her that other people take 5 hours, so he is paying her $10/hr. and therefore $50 to clean the house. Seems to me that one could have taken that to mean either 5 hrs. OR just clean the house for $50. I said that I do not want a cheat and liar in the house, and I would not want someone to work for me who disrespected me enough to rip me off like that, if she knew the deal was for 5 hrs. We went round and round with this for 2 hrs. In the end, he called her, she knew it was supposed to be for 5 hrs. and he fired her.

Patty responds:

In the story you wrote, what I pick up from your letter is that you and your husband were not working together in solving this problem. Instead, it was more like you and your husband were in adversarial positions: "I say this; you say that… I'm right; you're wrong." My guess is that this is a characteristic of many of your communication problems and one of the main reasons why your communications together don't end up feeling good.

In the case of the cleaning lady, for example, it doesn't matter who was right about the contract with her-what matters is that you have a relationship with the cleaning lady which is satisfactory to you. If you suspect there is a problem with her not working the hours you feel you are paying for, then the task is for you to confront her and work something out that meets your needs. It isn't a question of figuring out whether or not you are justified in feeling ripped off by her only being at your house for 2 hours-if you feel ripped off, then you should confront her and work something out together. Even if you are completely unjustified in feeling ripped off, you still have the right to share your feelings about this (through a non-blameful confrontation, as all confrontation should be, if you hope to work out a solution without damaging the relationship.)

If may not be clear what I am saying as this is a tricky point. The principle here is: 1) you are entitled to your feelings, whatever they may be; 2) your husband is entitled to his, whatever they may be, even if they differ from yours; 3) your are entitled to confront another person (non-blamefully) if you FEEL unhappy about their behavior; 4) ditto for your husband; 5) you and he do not have to agree on these matters-if one of you has a problem with a third person, you have the right to confront about this problem on your own; 6) whatever is going on, it is important to maintain the emotional sense between you and your husband that you and he are in this together. In World Class Marriage™ we call this "Maintaining the Heart-to-Heart Connection". You cannot do this if you think that you and your husband are fighting against each other and if you think that it is important to be RIGHT and to win the point with your husband, or if he is trying to do the same with you.

In this situation, for example, it appears that your needs are to feel confident that the cleaning lady is giving you full value for the money you pay her, and to feel trusting of her as someone working in your house. And a third need you have is to feel supported by your husband in working out this problem with your cleaning lady. Assuming these are your needs, once you've identified them, then it's important to identify together what your husbands needs are in this situation, so the two of you can proceed toward a solution that will work for you both.

It is essential to the success of your marriage that you develop and maintain the attitude that the two of you are in this together, that you are on the same team, and what your team is trying to do is figure out how to handle a problem, or figure out how one of you is feeling about something and what can be done to resolve the discomfort, and how to find the best solution to the needs or to the situation itself. You want to structure your ways of handling these problems so that you and your husband become partners in working on problems together, even if you have different feelings, needs or perspectives on the problem-which is most likely to happen with any two people. What matters is that you work together to handle situations so that both of you get your needs met. This won't happen if you act like you and he are opposing each other. That impedes problem-solving, as you well know. Moreover, it causes alienation and frustration between the two of you, and damages the relationship.

You may want to get a book or take a course on communication skills in order to strengthen your problem-solving skills for times such as these. World Class Marriage is available from our website and there are other books that may also be of interest. Whatever you do, don't allow yourself to act like you and your husband aren't in this together. Maintain that heart-to-heart connection in all your communications together!

BACK TO TOP

__________________Copyright © 2003 by Howell-Jones Trainings